Dad, I am sorry. I wish I were a better daughter. I should have told you I loved you more, held more conversations with you, spent more random moments with you just watching tv. I should have given you more of me. I am sorry you went through so much in your life. I wish I could have taken all of your pain and struggle away. You hid so much of it from us. You didn't want us to see you sweat but deep inside I had no idea how much you held in. You protected us from you pain. I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to buy you a big house so that you can have your own room and you could have put all your stuff in there and do whatever the heck you wanted to do. I wanted to give you the world. I wanted to work my ass off and make it in this life so that I had something to offer you.
But I guess you have all that and more now but I wanted to show you how much I appreciate your love and sacrifice. I don't want to lose you. I don't want lose your laugh, the warmth of your tough, the scent on your clothes or in your work bag. I want to feel this close to you twenty years from now. I always want you to be a part of my life.
This is not supposed to be my life. You are supposed to be here. I am just now starting to live. I want you here. I want to talk to you. I want to ask you some questions. I need some answers. You're supposed to be here to help me navigate life. Well, I am sure you have confidence in me.
I pray that you can see me. I hope you are in heaven helping me out down here. I pray that God allows you to give me visitations just to let me know that you are still very much a vital part of my life.
Daddy I love you so much. I wish I told you that more but I hope you can hear me now telling it to you every day and writing it as much as I possible can!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Monday, April 15, 2013
ANOTHER DAY
Daddy I am sad. I am sad but I am not without hope. Mornings are so rough for me. It is like I wake up another day and all over again I have deal with the pain and emptiness of you not being here. The words of this one song says, "When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part" That is how I feel these days. Your departure has left me with a broken heart. I love you so much.
Thank you for always loving me. Thank you for never making me feel like an outcast or an embarrassment to you. You never made me feel like you were ashamed to be my dad. You always carried yourself with pride and dignity when you were with me. My obesity didn't cause you to not want to be with me in public. You've always made me feel safe, loved, protected, cared for, wanted, respected, valued, fathered.
Today I want to live with that same assurance. I don't want pain to rule my life like it does right now. Well, it is not ruling it but it sure does have a really big role in my life right now.
Ok daddy, I am about to go to the gym right now. I don't want to but I also don't want to wake up in 5 months, depressed about my body image and lack of control. Somehow, can you help me make it through today?
Thank you. I love you sooo soooo much. I wish I told you that more when you were physically here but I know that you know that I love you. Thanks for giving me your shoulders to ride on. Thank you for always being here for our family. Thank you for being the first man I've ever loved. You're a great dad!!
Thank you for always loving me. Thank you for never making me feel like an outcast or an embarrassment to you. You never made me feel like you were ashamed to be my dad. You always carried yourself with pride and dignity when you were with me. My obesity didn't cause you to not want to be with me in public. You've always made me feel safe, loved, protected, cared for, wanted, respected, valued, fathered.
Today I want to live with that same assurance. I don't want pain to rule my life like it does right now. Well, it is not ruling it but it sure does have a really big role in my life right now.
Ok daddy, I am about to go to the gym right now. I don't want to but I also don't want to wake up in 5 months, depressed about my body image and lack of control. Somehow, can you help me make it through today?
Thank you. I love you sooo soooo much. I wish I told you that more when you were physically here but I know that you know that I love you. Thanks for giving me your shoulders to ride on. Thank you for always being here for our family. Thank you for being the first man I've ever loved. You're a great dad!!
Saturday, April 13, 2013
NEW NORMAL
Dad I am really trying to find my "new normal." A life without you is so unimaginable. I am trying to cope and to still live at the same time but it is so difficult. This concept of grieving is so foreign to me. Somehow, I need you to help me get through this. Visit me in my dreams, whisper to me throughout the day, remind me that you are still here in my life. I really hope that God allows you access into my life so that you can read these letters and know how much I really really really love and miss you.
There are so many things I wish I could have told you before you died. It was so sudden. I regret not coming over sooner. I lived day by day assuming you would just be there and that I could come by and see you at any point. I didn't know the last time I would hold your body would be the day I was told you had died. Though if I could have that moment back I wish I could. Oh what I would give just to lay on the ground and hold your body for hours. I want that moment back. I wish you were here with me. I hope you can still see me. I hope God allows you to still see me. If I can't see you, I at least want you to be able to see me. It will help give me a sense of purpose and direction in my life. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy to be my dad. I want you to know that your labor has not been in vain.
I am so sad that I could not get one last hug, one last kiss. one last opportunity to tell you how much I love and respect you. You have left a deep whole in my heart. No one can replace it and that is the hardest part. Your unique impact on my life is just that, it is unique. It is priceless. It is irreplaceable. I am blessed with a community of love and support but none of them are YOU! Only you can be you in my life. I want you back though I know you are in the best state you can ever be in. I wish I were with you but I know it is not my time yet. I don't want to die. I just want you in my life because living is hard without you.
Everyday I wake up to face a new day and I am reminded that I have to live without your physical touch, without hearing your voice or seeing your smile. That is hard. This is hard. I wonder if you know my angels, if you talk to God about me. Do you talk to God about me? What does He say? Am I going to be ok? I long to be with you. I long for our family to be together again. Today I will try to live well. You lived so many years without your mom. You were/are such a great dad to us and you experienced the pain that I am experiencing right now. I don't know how you got through it but you got through it well enough to be such a good dad to me.
I want my kids to know you. If I have kids I want to to know you through me. I want to be like you. I want to keep living. You kept living through you paint. You kept living. Dad, somehow in some way, will you help me to live today??
I know that I still have you and I cling to that. My hope is anchored in Christ and my heart anticipates our reunion!
I LOVE YOU DAD!
There are so many things I wish I could have told you before you died. It was so sudden. I regret not coming over sooner. I lived day by day assuming you would just be there and that I could come by and see you at any point. I didn't know the last time I would hold your body would be the day I was told you had died. Though if I could have that moment back I wish I could. Oh what I would give just to lay on the ground and hold your body for hours. I want that moment back. I wish you were here with me. I hope you can still see me. I hope God allows you to still see me. If I can't see you, I at least want you to be able to see me. It will help give me a sense of purpose and direction in my life. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy to be my dad. I want you to know that your labor has not been in vain.
I am so sad that I could not get one last hug, one last kiss. one last opportunity to tell you how much I love and respect you. You have left a deep whole in my heart. No one can replace it and that is the hardest part. Your unique impact on my life is just that, it is unique. It is priceless. It is irreplaceable. I am blessed with a community of love and support but none of them are YOU! Only you can be you in my life. I want you back though I know you are in the best state you can ever be in. I wish I were with you but I know it is not my time yet. I don't want to die. I just want you in my life because living is hard without you.
Everyday I wake up to face a new day and I am reminded that I have to live without your physical touch, without hearing your voice or seeing your smile. That is hard. This is hard. I wonder if you know my angels, if you talk to God about me. Do you talk to God about me? What does He say? Am I going to be ok? I long to be with you. I long for our family to be together again. Today I will try to live well. You lived so many years without your mom. You were/are such a great dad to us and you experienced the pain that I am experiencing right now. I don't know how you got through it but you got through it well enough to be such a good dad to me.
I want my kids to know you. If I have kids I want to to know you through me. I want to be like you. I want to keep living. You kept living through you paint. You kept living. Dad, somehow in some way, will you help me to live today??
I know that I still have you and I cling to that. My hope is anchored in Christ and my heart anticipates our reunion!
I LOVE YOU DAD!
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