NEW NORMAL

Dad I am really trying to find my "new normal." A life without you is so unimaginable. I am trying to cope and to still live at the same time but it is so difficult. This concept of grieving is so foreign to me. Somehow, I need you to help me get through this. Visit me in my dreams, whisper to me throughout the day, remind me that you are still here in my life. I really hope that God allows you access into my life so that you can read these letters and know how much I really really really love and miss you.

There are so many things I wish I could have told you before you died. It was so sudden. I regret not coming over sooner. I lived day by day assuming you would just be there and that I could come by and see you at any point. I didn't know the last time I would hold your body would be the day I was told you had died. Though if I could have that moment back I wish I could. Oh what I would give just to lay on the ground and hold your body for hours. I want that moment back. I wish you were here with me. I hope you can still see me. I hope God allows you to still see me. If I can't see you, I at least want you to be able to see me. It will help give me a sense of purpose and direction in my life. I want to make you smile. I want to make you happy to be my dad. I want you to know that your labor has not been in vain.  

I am so sad that I could not get one last hug, one last kiss. one last opportunity to tell you how much I love and respect you. You have left a deep whole in my heart. No one can replace it and that is the hardest part. Your unique impact on my life is just that, it is unique. It is priceless. It is irreplaceable. I am blessed with a community of love and support but none of them are YOU! Only you can be you in my life. I want you back though I know you are in the best state you can ever be in. I wish I were with you but I know it is not my time yet. I don't want to die. I just want you in my life because living is hard without you.

Everyday I wake up to face a new day and I am reminded that I have to live without your physical touch, without hearing your voice or seeing your smile. That is hard. This is hard. I wonder if you know my angels, if you talk to God about me. Do you talk to God about me? What does He say? Am I going to be ok? I long to be with you. I long for our family to be together again. Today I will try to live well. You lived so many years without your mom. You were/are such a great dad to us and you experienced the pain that I am experiencing right now. I don't know how you got through it but you got through it well enough to be such a good dad to me.

I want my kids to know you. If I have kids I want to to know you through me. I want to be like you. I want to keep living. You kept living through you paint. You kept living. Dad, somehow in some way, will you help me to live today??

I know that I still have you and I cling to that. My hope is anchored in Christ and my heart anticipates our reunion!

I LOVE YOU DAD!